GOP Politicians: Your Five Point Plan to Surviving Trump

Republicans begin the scramble to distance themselves from the sinking failboat that is Donald Trump.

I’ve long said that GOP politicians will stand by Trump, no matter how criminal, dangerous, or simply bizarre his behavior is, until the exact second he becomes a political liability. Well, we’re two weeks away from the election, and Republican after Republican — especially Congressional Republicans in tight races — have been tentatively testing the waters of dissent with a few mild, safe criticisms for weeks. Now they’re either arranging for their “private dissent” to be leaked or are publicly stating that they were secretly “concerned” all along as they begin the scramble to distance themselves from the sinking failboat that is Donald Trump. Some examples:

• Senator Martha McSally (R-AZ) and more McSally
• Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-KY)
• Senator Susan Collins (R-ME)
• Governor Larry Hogan (R-MD)
• Governor Charlie Baker (R-MA)
• Senator Ben Sasse (R-NE)
• Senator Thom Tillis (R-NC)
• Senator John Cornyn (R-TX)

Even die-hard loyalists like Ted Cruz and Lindsey Graham are publicly discussing the possibility of losing the White House to Democrats. Both Cruz and Graham vociferously opposed Trump in 2016, then made abrupt reversals as soon as he won. Reversals they have both lived to regret — Cruz nearly lost his seat to charismatic upstart Beto O’Rourke in 2018 and Graham is in real danger of losing his to brilliant, heartfelt Jaime Harrison.

And I haven’t even begun talking about Mitt Romney.

In the interest of selfless service like a good Camp Fire Girl (Ret.-CA), I’ve compiled the Five Point Plan for Republicans Looking to Survive Trump. I predict GOP lawmakers will roll out one or more of the following over the next few weeks. Some will roll out all of them for different audiences.

1. “I’m a new man”: Admit you were wrong and choose a moment when you realized that your best intentions for America and loyalty to the Republican party had led you to support a man who was Bad for America. But at the time, you trusted! You believed! You had misgivings but set them aside because America! And then you met Mrs. Fictional Blackwoman, whose personal story made the scales fall from your eyes, and you realized that you were wrong all along. Then sell the whole thing as a book: American Greatness: The Day I Heroically Believed a Black Woman.
2. “God’s imperfect vessel”: Rehabilitate his image using selective memory, lies, and racism. Claim that, despite his “rough edges,” “crass tweets,” “tough talk” and “plans to make the US an authoritarian dictatorship,” he still protected good Christian people from Antifa, Black Lives Matter, immigrants from nonwhite countries, and Jewi — I mean (WINK WINK) “globalists”! God used this imperfect vessel for good works.
3. “The Susan Collins”: All of that support for Trump was just support for the glorious American patriotic Republican party. He was our leader and I owed him loyalty, but secretly I was at the White House every day begging him to be less awful. Look at all the times I said I was “concerned”! I voted with my fellow Republicans out of loyalty to them and to the party, but secretly the entire time I was “concerned.”
4. “The Defense Counsel Special”: I never read any of those bills. I was just following orders from party leadership. Also Your Honor, I spread slander against the plaintiff only on orders from leadership. I just repeated what Mr. Giuliani and Mr. Trump told me to say and I had no idea it was Russian propaganda. I apologize to Hunter Biden and to President Biden, and to the American people, and hope that this court will take that into consideration when determining damages.
5. “The Hail Mary”: But was he really that bad? Like, it could be worse, right? I mean, most people are still alive, right? And unemployment is what, just — oh, God, is it really that high? Um, OK, well, he lowered taxes? I mean, MY taxes went down, so — right; moving on. . .um . . . He was an American patriot who did his best in multiple crises, most of his own making, but he always put American patriots first, especially the great Trump family.

The next days and weeks will reveal which Republicans choose which of these to deploy, but the rats are indeed leaving the sinking ship, with apologies to Dan Rather. Whatever the outcome of the election due to the antiquated foolishness of the electoral college, Trump’s popularity is sinking like a rock, and the Republican party may never fully recover.